I'm fairly confident that my frustration gauge is significantly above most of those who consider themselves around the average, to say the least. I get periods that can't be explained with any other instrument than by the lack and absense of certain elements here unmentioned. I get the periodical feeling of emptiness followed by an abstract and undirected rage and despair. I'm unable to take my issues to any official, since I'm concerned for the maintenance of my current lifestyle. This brings me to a certain kind of dead end on some parts of my life.
However, I also find great strenght and trust in my inner feelings and use the character within to build up a special kind of spine for other people to see. Be it a charade, I still find relief in knowing that I have something more to my core than what I'm willing to pass on to just anyone.
The critical conflict of interests lie within the natural and animal spirit of the human identity which then expectedly and commonly clashes with the more abstract nature of one's values, moral and views in general. The dillemma portrayed here is one that is constantly haunting me and I feel and expect the pressure growing with every step I take. I simply have to keep asking myself, whether I want to keep the pressure growing or make a cut and create a void that will become the biggest flat tire of my life.
I draw the gloomiest of fears and the most mysterious of pleasures from this same source. I don't want to predict what I will or want to achieve with what I still don't even recognize as something actually excistant in the first place. But what I can say is, that I feel something and that something is already strong.
We all should and probably do feel the same way in different quantities that I do, but I'm very certain that only the more eccentricly bent minds will produce the same level of passion and pride that my funny little trail of thought has led me into. This is the idea that keeps building my confidence in keeping my issues as they are now; I'm afraid I'll lose something valuable. And that makes me angry, very angry.
