Scarecrow_Man

I am always the prisoner of my own mind.
I don't know what's wrong with me, but I cannot fight.
It's like I sometimes just wanna belong, somewhere.
I don't wanna be like this, when I can't even look in the mirror,
Without thinking it's really not me who's looking back at me...

I need some change, for the sake of myself.
I cannot see straight, this thing has spread itself all over me.

I am always the last one to crack a joke, or laugh.
Worst things; all I see in me, when I realize who I was, it's sad...
It's like sometimes I'd wanna look them in the eyes,
Because now I don't have the guts, to even try to control,
What's going on inside, I feel panic, in the crowd of people...
Because I'm stuck in the past me, and I can't accept,
What I turned out to be...

I need some change, that'd wipe my fears away.
I want someone, who'd love me, for who I am inside...

Piikität suoneen päivittäisen annoksen;
"Tätä minä tarvitsen."
Ei muistikuvaa mistään yksittäisestä hetkestä,
Taistelet ainoasta elämän kiintopisteestä.
Puhut sanoin jotka pian kuihtuvat pois,
Kuin ruusu, jonka kasvatit kivien päälle, mahdottomaan paikkaan.
Sen vuoksi luovuit sisimmästäsi, hyppäsit uppoavaan laivaan.

Vain koska aina haluttiin lisää, jotakin jota oli jo tarpeeksi.

Suolaiselta iholta maistat päivittäisen annoksen.
"Minä haluan tätä." toistelet kuin extaasissa.
Et muista totuutta, tavoittelet rujoa nautintoa.
Tuijotat kenkiäsi, päivät kuluvat transsissa.
Rakastelet liikkein joita olet oppinut vihaamaan.
Olet huono, tai niin hän sai sinusta tuntumaan.

Vain koska aina haluttiin lisää, jotakin jota oli jo tarpeeksi.

Kuulet rumpujen etäisen töminän,
"Sotarummut soivat, koska voivat", kuiskaat hymyillen.
Olet luovuttamassa jo ennen yhteenottoa,
Koska sinä olet panttivanki, et enää soturi urhoollinen.
Sinä turvauduit väkivaltaan, sinusta tehtiin sotarikollinen.
Kuinka voi jatkaa taistelua, jos ei tiedä onko itse omalla puolellaan?
Kuinka voi sanoa että rakastaa, jos osa siitä kumpuaa vihasta?
Voiko toivoa elättää, jos mitään muuta ei koskaan ollutkaan?

Vain koska aina haluttiin lisää, jotakin jota kerran oli tarpeeksi.

Rauhallisilla, lumihuippuisilla vuorilla, seisot nyt yksin.
Se, josta kerran lupasit pitää huolta, on toisaalla.
"Mitä minä olen tehnyt?" kysyt,
Silmäsi täynnä tyhjyyttä, kätesi tiukasti nyrkissä.
Tuuli ujeltaa täällä korkealla, soittaa heikkoja säveliä.
Et muista mikä aika on, tai mikä paikka.
Et uskalla katsoa käsiäsi, ja niissä kuivuvaa verta.
Istut sohvallasi, silmät kiinni, morsiamesi huulten maku,
Viimeisen kerran tappajan huulillasi.

Vain koska tauluun tuhrittiin huolimattomia viivoja.
Tauluun, joka kerran oli kartta, kaikkeen, mikä oli kaunista.

Again, I'm watching your picture, alone.
Watching in your eyes, but you don't know;
I'd wanna hold your hand tonight.
I want you to see through me, and heal the pain.
I want you to make me real again, please...
I need you to shelter me from the storm in my mind.
I wanna hear you say it's alright, when I'm too weak to fight.
I'd give so much, to kiss you,
...To just feel something...

Every night, the same routine; I hate that I'm not good enough, I'm in anger, I wanna kill someone, I wanna die, I hate my hair, I hate my tattoo, 'cos there's still too much of my skin showing, so I draw on the top of it, 'til I'm happy, just have no money to take it for real. The same fucked up routine, I hate everything, and be too nervous, 'til I calm down, listen some good tunes, and wait for tomorrow, hope for a better.
You can say, I'm insane. I may be a fuckin' wierd guy, u know... Today, at about 1am at night, I was walking home from a friends new house, I felt somehow scared, and somehow a panic started to build inside, like I did'nt know if I'm dreaming or awake... I saw some strange silhuette in the dark, and that's where it all went fucked up. I really pinched myself many fucking times, to know if I'm not dreaming... I really did not know... And I don't know if that's normal behaviour. Like anything I do's never normal, but anyway.
Tonight, as I write, I also realize, that there's only one home for me, in the whole universe left. It's when I sit behind my drum set. That's the only time for me, when I do not feel disturbed, or nervous, or suicidal. I just hope, I could play my drums, for a living, for a good band, forever. I also hope, that someday I'm good enough at my instrument, but that, for me, may never happen, for I'm never satisfied with myself...
Hope to have some sleep to have strength to wake up in the morning.
Goodnight, creepies.
Bono Suicide...

I put my kohl, and red lipstick on.
There's no tomorrow, only rock'n'roll.
Need to get out, got to scream and shout.
Have a party, play my drums too loud.

I've got style, sharp as razorblade.
Nonsense, that 80's would ever outdate.
You look at me, wanna fight?
Got my attitude, ready to die,
I'd love to see you mothefucker try!

Fucked up nation, comical situation,
He decided to blame me,
From his "respect my authority" erection.

We need no fucking alibis,
As we never lose our prides,
In front of the fuckheads.
I won't do as he says!

You can suck my cock, sir,
My pockets are full of make up,
But I'm still more of a man than you. (fuck you!)
You can all fuck off, sure,
My grades are really fucked up.
But my life's still better than yours. (fuck off!)

I need no fucking charity.
Altough my pockets are money-free.
In world of the fuckheads.
We never do as they say!

I woke up today, from inside a nightmare.
To realize, I ain't feeling the sorrow no more.
´Cos you know what? I got rock'n'roll!
I got my friends, and guitar, that's what I'm living for.

I have my hair back-combed real high.
We drink, we party all the time.
I have anything, anytime I need.
I'm gonna live this way 'til they have me diseased!

Out of control, something tells me to stop,
But I'll keep moving on.
Start to shake a little bit, I'll need some rest,
But I'll take another shot.
Dying on the floor, I'll keep drinking 'til I fall.
Just to show I have the guts.
Party 'til the dawn, we laugh as we lose our souls.
Again we're lost in our lust.

This writers block is desperately killing me.
Fire in my eyes, I don't know if it's still alive?
Or as dead, as the rose, we once planted on the stones...
Am I myself, or am I lost in you?
Did I ruin myself, for marking my white skin,
By a friend who was a backstabber?

Am I someone else, or am I just too lost in my head?
Will I reach my dream, or will it be too late?
If I was born to lose, let me be dead before I ever wake...

I have moments, when my mind is floating in the void. I don't know what is real anymore, I just run hoping there's something that waits for me ahead. I'm not yet a whole, I'm only a protoype, of what I will grow to be. I hold my middlefinger in the air, so "fuck you!" if you don't like what I say. Fuck you, I'm not even listening to your pointless whining. You don't know what my world's about. I don't care much for yours neither.
I had a flashback today, and I knew, at that moment, I had my hate back. I would'nt had cared, if the whole world would have died in a single blink of an eye. I'm insane, you might say, and one glorious time in your life, you are fucking right, bitch. Gongratz!
When I was sitting behind my drum set today, I felt something, that was simply pure amazing. The sticks were like a pencils, and I wrote my hate from the drums, to the world around me, the world that disappeared more and more, with every single hit I made to the drum skin. I need to have it every single day, need to feel it, over and over again. It's only thing left, what I live for.
Now, when I'm writing this, my dear destiny, I only want you to know, that I pray for you, tears in my eyes. Let this week, or the next one, be the start of my dream. Let me form that band, that I've been living for my whole desperate life. I really need it, to express what I'm feeling... To live. My. Life.
For if you, my precious destiny, decide, that I'm not good enough for you, I know that my will to fight will grow too weak, and eventually, I will be dead without fulfilling my only dream.
So let me have it, before it's too late.
Only thing I ever asked you.
Please.

I come home, I feel there's blood on the walls.
Blood that's dripping from my dream.
Did you already forgot, what we had been?

I sit down here again, I feel there's promise in the air.
Something that'll finally take me away.
I have to leave, or I'll join your decay...